| Hmm |
[10 Apr 2003|01:04pm] |
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mood |
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Overlooked |
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music |
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"Counting Blue Cars" -Dishwalla |
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I noticed today that Sam keeps typing about how no one wants her, and how she cant get a guy. I wonder if shes striving for attention, or just overlooking me. Thats why I really feel she doesnt want me. Everytime I try to tell her how much she means to me, it seems shes not listening, or just shrugs it off. But of course i can understand why. No one wants me. I guess my prophecy was correct. Maybe I will just stay single my entire life. If thats the case, my life wont last long....
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| Hmmm.. |
[07 Apr 2003|12:24pm] |
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mood |
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 disappointed |
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music |
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"Kid A" -Radiohead |
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I really dont know whats going on anymore. School is getting so hard nowdays. Homework is piling up, and time just keeps running. I seem to be distancing myself from all my friends. I dont know whats going on in the world anymore. I am beggining to feel that I cant take it. Everything is becoming so hard. With school, work, and all the drama thats going on in my life, I seriously dont know how much more I can truly take it. Ive been waking up still feeling kinda blah. Im watching "Chasing Amy". Thats a good movie. One of Kevin Smiths greatests. All about a guy falling in love with a lesbian. Im kinda like that..chasing something I can never have. I think Ive made the decision to stay single for my entire life. With whats going on with the drama, and everything else, I dont know. I think this summer Im going to change myself completely. Its going to take some time, but maybe it will be for the best...
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| Life fuckin sucks.. |
[05 Apr 2003|02:31am] |
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Damn. Dying would sound really good right now. Ethan is pissed at me because Will just happens to show up. Sam gets an attitude with me. I dont know what the fuck is going on. I figured for some reason, sex being a big one, Ethan decides to invite Will over maybe for some fun? Hell I dont know. Elliot and Brian waited for me all day at work just to hang out with them, so why is Ethan mad? Its not like he comes by and lets me know anything. I dont even feel like a person around him anymore. I feel like im just here to help him when he needs it. He never stays at work and talks. He didnt even bother to call me and tell me that he wanted Will to stay here with me. Ethan can be pissy for a few minutes, and completely change and become happy. I dont know with him. I dont know how much longer I can take it all....
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| No Time |
[04 Apr 2003|06:23pm] |
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Damn, I dont have time, but Sam was kinda rude to me. I dont know why, kinda hope I didnt piss her off. Ethan has been a bitch to me today too. Brian was just bitchy. Somethings gone wrong with everyone. Damn, why is the world so hard. They all just kinda crashed on me. Fuck. I know being alone will only feed the depression, but the depression is all I have right now....
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[03 Apr 2003|02:43pm] |
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I just woke up from a dream where I was singing "Your more than just a friend", to Sam, and now I have the hickups....
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| My Kiss Type |
[03 Apr 2003|10:54am] |
You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.
What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Nyarlathotep! |
[03 Apr 2003|10:45am] |
I amNyarlathotep!
The 999 forms of Nyarlathotep are a point of meditation for the true initiate. It is through these manifold faces that the secrets of the universe are made known. Called "The Crawling Chaos", Nyarlathotep is the disembodied ego of Azathoth and thus the universal "I" of known reality. Some of the many documented forms are; Father of Knives, Nephren-Ka, the Black Man, the Beast of the Lashing Tongue to name a few.
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| Which Great Old One are you? |
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| Feelin Horrible |
[03 Apr 2003|10:01am] |
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Man, im really not feeling well at all. AM I DYING? These past couple of days have been weird. Monday was one of the best days of my life, and then Tudesday was one of the worst days. Yesterday Ethan and Sam had a conversation, and some upsetting things were said to Sam. I think that Ethan is just an asshole. He doesnt know what he wants. He is with Will, but is still talking about me? Thats pretty fucked up. Anyways, I will never give in. Just the thought of it is fucking gross. Besides, I have my heart set on another, and the only thing that could change that would be her not liking me for some reason. Lets just hope that never happens. I didnt get any sleep last night. I went to bed about 7 this morning. I just had insomnia, and couldnt sleep. Then Sam called me at 9 and woke me up. I really wanted to talk to her, so here I am writing in my journal at 10 in the morning. There is nothing on t.v. this early in the morning. God im so out of it, and I feel like throwing up yet again. Ive just gone completely blank, and have no idea what to say now, so maybe its time that I just shut up...
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| Hmmm |
[01 Apr 2003|05:27am] |
Sam called me earlier while I was sleeping. Im really glad to hear from her. I needed to be sure that she was ok. Wow. We talked about alot of deep stuff. I think shes understanding more and more how much of an important role she plays in my life, and how much she truly means to me. My goal in life is to show her everything that I can, and get as close as I can to treating her like the princess she is. She deserves great things. Greater things than anyone like me could ever afford to give her. I just want her to be happy. I hope she finds happiness soon. Even though I would love to be with her, if it made her happy being with someone else, then I would be happy. I love seeing a smile on her face. Its what I live for. Everytime I talk to her, she just changes me. Makes me feel completely different, but its a great feeling. A feeling like no other.
Love Seems
Love seems to be so simple,
But really it’s so much more,
So many choices and paths to take,
That lies behind each door.
Each decision that is made,
Requires an amount of thought,
For love takes time and patience too,
And never can it be bought.
It means going through tough times,
Relying and trusting each other,
Because if we didn’t communicate,
We might hurt one another.
Love really isn’t so simple,
And we both know that is true,
But no matter whatever happens,
It will always be worth it for you.
How can I tell you?
How can I find the words to say,
That you are in my heart,
And I would be so lonely, love,
If ever we should part?
How can I make it known to you,
That in your soft caress,
There is the only answer to,
My prayer for happiness?
You are the meaning of my thoughts,
The purpose of my life,
And all the courage and the strength,
I need to conquer strife.
You are the minutes of my day,
The hours of my night,
And only when they shine on you,
Are stars forever bright.
But how can I impart to you,
This feeling so devine,
And make you understand, my love,
I want you to be mine?
You Are
You are the one I long to kiss,
You are as graceful and gentle as a dove,
You always seem to bring me bliss,
You are the one I love.
You always cure my strife,
You are a gift from above,
You are the only thing I want in life,
You are the one I love.
You are the one my heart is bound to,
You are the one I always think of,
You make all my dreams come true,
You are the one I love.
You are the one I have affection for,
You are the one I will always adore.
You, are the one I love.
Well, I guess those are a few of my words that just kinda came out. I guess I had better go to bed now...
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| SAM! |
[01 Apr 2003|02:21am] |
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YOU HAVE MADE TODAY ONE OF THE BEST DAYS OF MY LIFE! IT RANKS 3rd IN MY BEST DAYS. THE FIRST WAS THE KISS, THE SECOND, MEETING YOU, AND THIS IS THE THIRD! I WAS DANCING AND CHEERY AND ALL HAPPY! YOU CALLED ME BABE, AND SO MUCH OTHER STUFF! Im really sorry though to hear about what happened to your mom. But i dont know, i think you need to stay there comfort your mom. She needs you right now, with the death of her family. I could wait. I should wait. Family comes first! Your mom means the world to you, and you mean the same to her. If someone close to you were to pass, she would be there for you. If you need anything, Ill be here, but you really need to stay with your mom. Make sure shes ok before you even think about me, please. Your mom is more important than me right now, but dont think that i dont want to still meet you. Its not that at all. Hell, hearing that you were going to come up here to see me brightened my month. I just know whats more important, and its not me. I love ya sam. Hope everything is ok.
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| Hmmm |
[31 Mar 2003|02:00pm] |
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Well, i woke up today, and talked to Sam. She wanted me to read her journal and i did. Im guessing that the guy she ended up having a crush on turned out to be some perv. She went on a rampage about how much she wants a guy that is honest, and loving, and faithful, and can treat her right. I really dont know what to say to that. Shes asking for a knight in shining armor, and types out what she wants, and how much she dreams of it, but when I read it, i just think to myself that, you know, i could really give her all that. I love her, i truly do. She is my world, and my everything, but she doesnt understand it. I guess if she hasnt gotten it by now, she never will...
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| Sam |
[31 Mar 2003|02:50am] |
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hey Sam, its like 3 in the morning, and it doesnt look like im going to talk to you tonight. Im really sorry, because ive really been looking foward to it all day. When you told me you loved me before we left today, it made me feel good inside. I was wondering if it would bother you if i started making it regular, i mean, telling you it more often. If not, its kewl. Well, I really wanted to thank you for that show. I mean wow sam. god you are beautiful. If only there was some way to grant wishes. Well, im off to bed, so I guess I will talk to you later then.
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| Life... |
[29 Mar 2003|01:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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"Superman" - Five For Fighting |
] |
Well, I just woke up and got some food with Ethan. He is going to visit Will. Will is being an ass, and wont talk to me because his pansy ass is to busy with "Zelda". Yeah, well fuck you too Will. Today is Paul Hogan day on tv. That really rocks the kazba. Paul Hogan is the man among men. How many people can wrastle a fake crocodile? AND HE CARRIES A KNIFE! "Thats not a knife. THIS, is a knife. He is so halarious. Im talking to Sam. I realized that she had a crush on someone else. That kinda brought tears to my eyes, but hey, im really glad shes happy. She deserves someone great. I seriously know that I will never be able to give her what I want. Even though I try to show her that she truly is my world, and means everything to me, I guess I just dont do a good job of doing it. I dont know. I figure its just how my luck always is. I meet the girl of my dreams, and end up fucking it up, or not showing her how much she means to me. I dont know. I feel that if I really was the one for her, then she would feel like I do. I know she doesnt, because shes never told me truthfully exactly how she feels about me. I think that she keeps me closer, and doesnt tell me how she feels because it always feels good to know someone loves you, and someones there to give you compliments, and you dont even have to date them. I feel that she feels if she told me that she really didnt feel anything from me, then she would lose me, and she doesnt want to do that. I really just wish I could know, because its killing me. I love her so much, and want to be with her, but I always get the feeling that im the only one feeling this. ZZ Top is coming to OKC, with Ted Nugent. I kinda want to go. My dad raised me on that older music. I dont know, I guess I just have a thing for it. Man. With Sam finding another guy, Ethan and Will off, and everything else the way things are going, it looks like its just going to be me again. I think that its for the best. I would rather be alone than be around alot of people that dont show much interest in me, or are starstruck over other people, because it makes me feel even more lonley. I really want to go up to Canada with no money, and just become a bum, living my entire life to myself. I could write poetry, and novels, and live my life without the feeling of ever loving again. That would be the best, because this rejection feeling sucks bigtime. You think I would get used to it after it happening so many times. I just want to run away, and meet no one. Become a complete hermit, and have nothing or no one to talk to. I like being alone. I know I will never feel completely loved, so I settle for what I can get. Maybe if I just go to Austrialia like Crocodile Dundee, and live on my own. I guess when your like me, and you know for sure that you will never have anyone, you feel better being alone. I know that I wont find anyone. Ive seen it. Ive been prophesized to. I just want to change my life, and show destiny that I can feel love. Im now to the point where I know thats not possible. I really wish people would stop telling me I will find someone. I know I wont. It just feels like they are rubbing it in my face that I dont have anyone. That is one of my biggest pet peeves. Well, im in my room alone, just the way I like it I guess. Well, I know that im single for a reason, I just wish I knew why, because its going to be the death of me. Maybe it will happen sooner than I think....
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| Thank You Sam! |
[28 Mar 2003|01:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 chipper |
] |
Well Sam, this is our personal journal. I write things about how I feel in here, and you get to be the only person to read it! We could use this when we for some freak reason dont talk for a while, you can just leave me a message on here, and ill check it and reply. That way, if we ever get lost or something,you can find me on here. ITS OUR BEST FRIEND JOURNAL THINGY! Just use my aim screenname. Man its hot right now. BRB. Ok. I had to take of my clothes. It was just way too hot in here. Yeah, I know what your thinkin...Me, just sitting here with my boxers, typing on the computer. NO! IM NOT A FREAK! I dont know. I really dont know what to type in this journal right now. Im eating nonfat yogurt, watching oceans 11, and wrtitng in my journal. OK! Well journal, this is goodbye until I reopen you next time. You have fun now journal, and stay safe....wait, what am I saying, your a journal! Whats going to happen to you?
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eternal_vampire's journal
